CryBunny's Journal ⋆˙⟡

April 11, 2025

Nostalgia is such a violently horrible feeling. I'm beginning to think it may actually be the worst feeling there is. Unlike almost anything I've experienced before, it drags on and on forever. The only thing I could compare this feeling to is grief, which I suppose it is. Nostalgia is grief for the past. It's a longing for something that will never be there again, just like when a person dies. It doesn't go away because there's nothing that can fix it. You can't go back just like you can't see that person again. Nostalgia combined with grief for a person is even worse. Memories I have of visiting my grandparents are some of my sadest despite most treasured. There's almost a phsyical pain to it. The irony is my childhood wasn't great. I mean, I went to Disney World a bunch and had whatever toys I wanted but those things aren't what a child really needs. I was bullied my entire childhood and eventually it led to threats once we got older. The girls who bullied me threatened to rape and murder me. What did my school or for that matter my parents do? Call it "kids being kids" say "they didn't know any better" and "why would we ruin their lives so young". They were 13. They were old enough to know rape and murder are wrong and what those things were. If I was old enough to feel unsafe because of the threats they were old enough to know I would feel unsafe because of the threats. My elementary school experience led me to a horrible high school experience as well. I was so afraid that if I ever made another friend they would turn out to be the same. I was convinced nobody would ever really like me or care about me at all because nobody ever seemed to. Even those who claimed to love me the most sided with kids who threatened to rape and murder me. To this day they still defend their stance on that. They claim I'm being dramatic and need to "get over it". Yeah, because one just "gets over" 5 years of bullying both physical and psychological by their supposed "best friends" and then fearing for their life until they graduated high school. I would do anything to have had a normal childhood. I claim I wouldn't change anything but honestly I would. Living like this is a nightmare. Watching my childhood friends who abandoned me post about their other childhood friends they still have even as they start university. The end of high school was rough. The prom photos everyone was posting, grad photos, parties.. I didn't have a prom date and while I don't mind that it did hurt that I didn't even have friends. The people I sat with that night never talked to me again after. Well, one of them did. We've only texted once since graduating though. I never was much of a party person but I can't help but wonder if I would have been if I had friends to go with. I never got invited anyway. I had a "friend" who seemed to go to all of them but I was never invited. I was talked about at them though. A girl accused me of stalking a guy in my English class at one and my friend heard her. The reality is I was taking pictures of notes on the board and he happened to sit in front of me. I couldn't tell anyone that though because I wasn't there. Even if I had been they wouldn't have believed me. They didn't even know me yet they were sure they knew everything about me. Sometimes I wonder how differently I would feel about life if things had been different in high school. Would I be this nostalgic for my childhood? Would I have a real life plan? Would I have had plans to live past high school? Maybe. I'll never know. Obviously I am past high school now and very alive but I never thought I'd be. I almost failed everything in grade 12 because I thought it wouldn't matter. Now I can't go to university. I feel trapped and I guess when a person feels trapped in the present their mind wants to go back to the past. I'm not sure the past would be any better though.